I’m working today, and happen to notice a CD rolling across the parking lot.  Seems some knucklehead decided to rip off a bunch of DVD’s from the store.  Now, to even get to the parking lot, this guy had to outrun a security guy, dodge a greeter built life a fridge, and then get through the doors.  By this time the security guy had grabbed onto the guy’s shirt, and yanked it off of him.  The whole time, he was yelling that he hadn’t done anything.  Now, first, if he hadn’t done anything, why would he run?  Second he was caught on camera both stealing, and trying to throw the movies around trying to avoid being caught with them.  Meanwhile, he was surrounded by yours truly, a security guy, and three managers.   This guy had no where to go.  He finally gave up and admitted to taking the movies, but his fight only added to his problems.  Remember, Wal Mart only prosecutes for thefts over $50, so don’t try to get away with of a bunch of movies in your back pocket.

I was in a bar recently and realized how dumb drunk people can be.  OK, so I always knew it, it just hit home.  As the one sober patron of this place, I was treated to a wonderful array of society’s dumbest individuals. Only a drunk person can lean one way, talk on the cell phone, and still find a way to pee on the wall behind them.  Meanwhile, the smallest of the group suddenly, and without warning, decides he is adapt at karate enough to take on the 5 biggest people single-handedly.  Oh, and of course it’s the bartender’s fault. He is always the person who got the people drunk.  Well, at least they have someone to blame for taking home the Olsen twins, only to wake up and find a pair of circus clowns.  It’s the same the world over, believe me.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,”My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor
>
>”Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.”
>
>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
>
>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
>”You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”
>
>
>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>The computer prints the following:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
>5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Local businesses have innovated a way to prevent accidents in the workplace.  Since the norm is for accident victims to sue, or request workman’s comp, area businesses have decided to beat them to the punch.  They have begun suing the victims for damages to workplace property involved in the accident.  One worker at a major retailer had this to say:  ” I smacked my head off the wall while attempting to dislodge shopping carts.  The store is now suing me for the costs to repair the plaster I knocked off.  I guess next time I will be more careful.”  Immediately after the interview, the victim was struck by an automatic door while trying to re-enter the building.  More charges will be filed.

This is a good example of where this country is heading.

A man recently sued Home Depot because of a toilet.  It seems that this man entered a Home Depot, and experienced a call of nature.  Well, keep in mind that this man was a tad overweight.  Now, the Home Depot, being a store of the century, was equipped with the new automatic flushing toilets.  The toilet flushed, sealing him to the throne.  It took some time for another customer to hear his cries for help.  After about two hours, employees managed to dismantle the toilet, and carted the man out on a cart.  The man sued, not for the humiliation of being stuck to the toilet and paraded in front of other customers, but because of the lack of response from the store employees.

Two men were sitting in a local restaurant, arguing about the name of the town they were in.  One man claimed the pronunciation was Louis-ville, while the other claimed it was pronounced Louie-ville.  finally after about ten minutes of arguing, they decided to find out once and for all.  They both approached a waitress, and asked said “Really slowly, please tell us where we are”.  The waitress, wanting to provide good customer service, replied:  “Bur-ger King”.

My girlfriend has been having some problems with her ex lately.  He just doesn’t seem to understand that it’s over, even though it’s been like four or five years.  Well, short of shooting the man, I have hit a dead end on ideas.  Since Spamming is quasi-illegal, I can’t stuff his inbox full of porn, which actually he would probably like.  So I thought I would embarrass him in other ways.  So, here goes.   And this is for all girls who have ever been in an abusive relationship.  BTW, I will not use his real name here, in an effort to avoid any kind of court action.  Mr. M, as I will call him, seems to believe that hurting women and stalking them is the way to go.  Sleeping with his cousin and fathering her child is also on his top 10.  This man makes me sick.  I wish there was something else i could do, but putting his deep secret up on here is the worst I could do.  Sorry this isn’t as humorous as my other posts, but i had to get it off my chest.

An associate issued a statement yesterday that Microsoft’s Windows Vista would be the most  definitive Windows ever.   The associate feels that Windows Vista  encompasses everything that Microsoft has been striving for.  However, when questioned about the constant barrage of system crashes and bugs that the software has caused, the associate had this to say:

” The latest incarnation of Windows may have it’s problems, however it far exceeds the previous incarnations in terms of RAM, ROM, and sheer graphics capability.  I have yet to see a more sophisticated operating system.  What more could modern American business owners want from their PC?”

WHAT???? Someone needs to translate that into English for the rest of us.  Ok, so a computer geek might make sense out of it, but I can’t.  I guess it means that Vista is good?  I don’t know about that.  Give me 3.1 anyday.

First, have a look at a new bulletin going around on Myspace right now:

8 people have died from not reposting this.
So on the news there was a girl who submitted a tape and it was a phone conversation between a girl and her boyfriend. This is how is went:

If you don’t repost this bulletin in two hours, Amber will crawl out from under your bed in your sleep and murder you. The last thing you will see are her rotting eyes and the phone…still in her hand and repost this with the title “Why sex hurts girls

Ok, so how juvenille can one get?  This was obviously written by a seven year old with way too much time on their hands.  I’m kind of tired of this kind of scare tactic just to start chain letters.  Some people do believe in this kind of thing you know.  Please stop it, and let  Myspace be what it was intended to be.

Well, seems that everyone’s favorite retailer is getting sued once again.  Seems that this time a woman slipped and fell on a patch of vomit  on the floor.  Makes you wonder exactly why someone got sick in the store, and why it wasn’t cleaned up!!!!  Well, I guess when you are the nation’s largest retailer, you can afford a few slip-ups, so to speak.  As of this writing, I have heard of no response from Lee Scott, the CEO of Wal-Mart, but I hope his reply does more than sweep this under the toilet.