A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as
chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t
really all that hard.  A real challenge would be to preach to a
bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an
experiment.  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear,
preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.  “Well,” he
said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well, that bear
wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother
of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The bishop is coming out
next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, had one arm
and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-
brimstone oratory, he claimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we
don’t sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I
began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD!  But that bear
wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek.  So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with
IVs and monitors running in and out of him.  He was in really bad
shape.  The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

“Drug Names”
     In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
     The FDA has been looking for a generic name for ED Medications. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
     Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
     Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.” Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

     Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and ED medications today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Creative ways to deal with telemarketers
     – Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh No!!!” and then hang up.
     – Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.
     – Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
     – Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
     – Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”
     – Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder…

louder…louder…
     – Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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Warning Signs of Insanity”
     – You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
     – You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
     – Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.
     – You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
     – You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
- You collect dead windowsill flies.
     – Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”
- You like cats. Especially with mayo.
     – You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they weren’t rescued.
     – You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.
- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
     – You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
     – Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.
     – Melba toast excites you.
- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because “the napkins have ears.”
     – You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.
- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
     – Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bohemia.
- Nearly everything you say involves the word, “P-toing!”
     – You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
     – You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you’re a stalk.
     – You think that exploding wouldn’t be so bad, once you got used to it.
- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

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   A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to

understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
       A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week’s stay, the Texan said, “Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I’ll get it for you.”
       “Well,” said the doctor, “I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine.” With that the physician left.
       The doctor didn’t hear from the Texan millionaire for some months. Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.
       ”Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn’t have swimming pools, and I didn’t think they were good enough for ya. So I had

pools installed and they’re all ready for you now!”
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Montana Dumb Laws

       – It is a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
- It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
     – Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party and it is legal to shoot them.
     – In Montana, it is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
     – It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime.
- Excelsior Springs: Balls may not be thrown within the city limits.
     – Helena: No item may be thrown across a street.
- Helena: A woman can’t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at 

     least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
- Salisbury: Pop bottles are not to be thrown on the ground.
     – Whitehall: It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Ever wished you could immediately take the words back…or that you could
crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did….
>
>FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a
word…he knew better.
>
>SECOND TESTIMONY:
>I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, “I think I like
playing with men’s balls.”
>
>THIRD TESTIMONY:
>My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking
at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.
>
>FOURTH TESTIMONY:
>While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after
receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
“If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!” The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.
>
>FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
>Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him
constantly.One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have
any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an
accident?”
“No,” he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an
accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
>
>LAST TESTIMONY:
>This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true
story… We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob,
where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing!