A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

 In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
 When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

 He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she
said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to
never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

 The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

 ”Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this
money?  Where did it come from?”

 ”Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible!

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to
report her telephone failed to ring when her friends
called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,
her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile lady.
    He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring
right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone
repairman found:
  1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground
wire with a steel chain and collar.
  2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
  3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current
when the number was called.
  4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate.
  5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus
causing the phone to ring.
  Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2008 for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ….

9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBang Bang

This one came from Tramp, who included in a comment he sent me.  I’m placing it up front for your amusement. 

You have to watch out for some words and phrases when you are drunk.
Here is a list with some good examples.

*******************************************

Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you’re drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
f) I’m not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

A man wandered into an open bar one day, and approached the bartender.  “If I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” the man asked.  “Sure , but it better be worth it,” the barkeep replied.  The man pulls out a tiny baby grand piano, and a small man, measuring no more than 12 inches tall.  The man walks over to the piano, and begins to play.  “That’s amazing, where did you get that?” the bartender said, and he was directed to an abandoned building down the street.  The bartender locked up, and went to this building immediately after work.  There, in the middle of the floor was a magic lamp, complete with a genie.  Now, knowing what it is that genies do, the man strode up to it, and wished for a million bucks.  The genie clapped his hands, and said “Done, they are at your house now.”  The bartender went home dreaming of all he could do with that much money.  When he opened the door, the house was filled with deer!  Well, the next day, that same man came into the bar.   The bartender told him that something must be wrong with the genie, and told him about the deer.  “Of course there is, he’s hard of hearing” the man said.  “Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

 Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say “football”. Some say “baseball”. Canadians say “hockey“. The rest of the world says “soccer”. (Actually, they say “football”, too…but they mean “soccer”.)

I say: “kissing”. Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

ATTENTION: If bad breath (yours or your partner’s) makes you uncomfortable kissing, you need The Bad Breath Report

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew’s cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death, the “Hey you! Kiss this!”, and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

The Art of Kissing Is Easy

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn’t matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires so little equipment, which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and marsupial groupies.

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic…unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: “Kissing prevents diabetes”)

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don’t try kissing them all at the same time, though…especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

Extreme Kissing NOT Recommended

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field like that well-dressed gentleman at the Superbowl.

We do NOT recommend “extreme kissing”. For instance, don’t kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don’t kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don’t kiss any electrical outlets, or you’ll look like this.

Are you paying attention? This one is important. Don’t kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It’s OK to kiss sandpaper, just don’t use your tongue. Don’t kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don’t kiss your office manager while on duty…unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

Get a personal growth humor column, like this one on thet of kissing, in your inbox every week.

I found this on the Happy Guy’s Website.  ( What a name) Anyway, ignore the pic, it didn’t make much sense and I couldn’t remove it.