04.26.08
Kids
why do kids, seem to like walking around naked? My 8 year old has a facination with getting out of the tub, and walking around in nothing but a towel. I guess it’s some sort of fashion statement. It says: Look at me!!!!” Then she argues over every little point, mainly because “it’s boring”. I don’t know what’s happened with kids anymore. They seem to think their parents owe them something. Oh I know, we gave them life, isn’t that enough? No, they need the latest Nike shoes, Farmer Bill brand shirts, and Dickie underwear, or else it’s the end of the world. They aren’t “cool” unless they’ve put their parents into the poorhouse at least three or four times, and that’s just before they turn three. Kids are great, mind you. They do all sorts of stuff to help out, like change the channel on the TV. they make great alarm clocks, too. Namely, they get up at one minute before sunrise and scream “SUNS”S UP!!!” at the top of their lungs. Oh well, guess we just have to deal.
04.24.08
Change in Venue
Well, for those that are playing Poker on Full Tilt, I would like to renounce my endorsement of that site. Ok, so I never really endorsed it, but you get the picture. In the last few weeks, i have been beaten on the river countless times by people who should never have stayed in the hand in the first place. It’s absolutly disgusting what people will play. So, I have switched over to Pokerstars for the time being. I’ll probably end up on Full Tilt from time to time. After all, my main poker pro plays there, even though I’ve never seen him. The closest I got is Huck Seed, and he was on another table. Poker is a fickle game, but as a dealer, I know what hands are good and bad. I’m no pro, but come on people, play like it’s cold hard cash, which it actually is on some tables. I’ll play tournaments, better chance of winning, and you lose less money.
04.22.08
Yet Another Warning from Andrea
The car thieves peer through the
windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN # from the label on
the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key
based on the VIN #. I didn’t believe this e-mail, so I called
Chrysler-Dodge and pretended I had lost my keys They told me to just
bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I could
order the keyless device if I wanted.
The Car Dealer’s Parts Department will
make a duplicate key from the VIN #, and collect payment from the thief
who will return to your car. He doesn’t have to break in, do any damage
to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is walk
up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local Chop Shop with
your vehicle. You don’t believe it? It IS that easy.
To avoid this from happening to you,
simply put some tape (electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape) across
the VIN Metal Label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove
the VIN, but you CAN cover it so it can’t be viewed through the
windshield by a car thief.
Post Turtle
whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up
a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Barack Obama and his bid to
be our President.
The old rancher said,’Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.'
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a
‘post turtle’ was.
The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road
and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,
that’s a ‘post turtle’.'
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain.
‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there,
he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just want
to help the dumb ass get down.’ ‘It’s either that or leave the dumb ass
in that situation to become totally worthless and useless.’
04.16.08
Danger, Will Robinson!
Here’s an Email I got:
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever DO NOT TOUCH
IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. Ifyou do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling up your life.
Wild West Rules
Rules of the Wild West, including:
North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Idaho, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Oregon, and Washington are as follows:1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-94 I-90 I-80 I-70 I-40 I-30 I-20 I-10 goes east and west, I-5 goes north and south. Pick one.5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re not impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar you can get them at the bait store on the corner.9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.10 We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and bread. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah… We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines than all of you put together, so don’t mess with us. If you do, you’ll get whipped by the best.18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
04.13.08
New Rules Part 2
“New Rules For 2008″
Part II
New Rule #11:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the
crack of your a*s. And it translates to ‘beef with
broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were
praying to G~d you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You’re just stupid.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What’s next, competitive f*rting? Oh wait,
they’re already doing that. It’s called ‘The Howard
Stern Show.’
New Rule #12:
I don’t need bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry
for M&Ms, I’ll just eat two bags.
New Rule #13:
If you’re going to insist on making movies based
on crappy old television shows,
then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s
remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule #14:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me
a towel and a mint like I just had sex with a US
Senator. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want
to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash
my hands!
New Rule #15:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need
to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine.
He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the
first place.
New Rule #16:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want
a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then
for G~d’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo
your flesh.
If so,
then plan your future around saying, ‘Do
you want fries with that?’
Have a great day
04.10.08
Softball in Heaven
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Rita, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Rita visited her every day.
One day Rita said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’
Rose looked up at Rita from her deathbed and said, ‘Rita, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’ Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Rita was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Rita, Rita.’
‘Who is it?’ asked Rita, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Rita — it’s me, Rose.’
‘You’ re not Rose. Rose just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.
‘Rose! Where are you?’
‘In Heaven ,’ replied Rose. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Rita.
‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ said Rita. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’
‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’
Abbott and Costello Meet Bill Gates
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on… for those who don’t, you are too young anyway.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue “1″.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!
ABBOTT: No, just one But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)……………………
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”…….
New Rules
New Rule #1:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version
of pick-pocketing.
New Rule #2:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !
There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain…Lobster?
New Rule #4:
Stop saying that teenage boys who
have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky
bast*rds.’
New Rule #5:
If you shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep
sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re
just pictures of men.
New Rule #6:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
have two of them? Good, we're done with eyebrows.
New Rule #7:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule #8:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #9:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a**hole.
New Rule #10:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want
Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
