04.10.08
Softball in Heaven
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Rita, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Rita visited her every day.
One day Rita said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’
Rose looked up at Rita from her deathbed and said, ‘Rita, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’ Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Rita was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Rita, Rita.’
‘Who is it?’ asked Rita, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’
‘Rita — it’s me, Rose.’
‘You’ re not Rose. Rose just died.’
‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.
‘Rose! Where are you?’
‘In Heaven ,’ replied Rose. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’
‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Rita.
‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’
‘That’s fantastic,’ said Rita. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’
‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’
Abbott and Costello Meet Bill Gates
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on… for those who don’t, you are too young anyway.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office; can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue “1″.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows”!
ABBOTT: No, just one But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)……………………
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”…….
New Rules
New Rule #1:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version
of pick-pocketing.
New Rule #2:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !
There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain…Lobster?
New Rule #4:
Stop saying that teenage boys who
have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky
bast*rds.’
New Rule #5:
If you shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep
sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re
just pictures of men.
New Rule #6:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
have two of them? Good, we're done with eyebrows.
New Rule #7:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule #8:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #9:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a**hole.
New Rule #10:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want
Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
