04.10.08
New Rules
New Rule #1:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be
just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out
the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version
of pick-pocketing.
New Rule #2:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com !
There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.
Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I
already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3:
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window
unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl
of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain…Lobster?
New Rule #4:
Stop saying that teenage boys who
have sex with
their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky
bast*rds.’
New Rule #5:
If you shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep
sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re
just pictures of men.
New Rule #6:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
have two of them? Good, we're done with eyebrows.
New Rule #7:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's
a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water,
but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
New Rule #8:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a
bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time
grandpa figures out how to open it, his a** will be in
the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #9:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat,
iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge a**hole.
New Rule #10:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want
Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
