05.24.08
My Only Polish Joke
In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?’
The clerk looks at him and says, ‘Are you Polish?’
The guy (clearly offended) says, ‘Well, yes I am. But let me ask
you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you? Would you?’
The clerk says, ‘Well, no!’
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?’
Well, I probably wouldn’t!’
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ‘Well then,
why did you ask me if I’m Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?’
The clerk looks at him and says, ‘Are you Polish?’
The guy (clearly offended) says, ‘Well, yes I am. But let me ask
you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I
was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would you? Would you?’
The clerk says, ‘Well, no!’
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?’
Well, I probably wouldn’t!’
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, ‘Well then,
why did you ask me if I’m Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?’
The clerk replies, ‘Because you’re in Home Depot.’
05.22.08
Breaking the Barrier
For those keeping score, I have reached my 100th post on this blog. Sorry they have been so spread out over the past year, but I try. I have more humor and complaints lined up over the next 100, so stay tuned!!
Things to Do When You are in an Elevator
- When people get on, ask for their tickets
- When the doors close, announce “Don’t panic, they open up again”
- Drop a pen, and when someone reaches to help pick it up, say “Hey that’s mine!”
- Push your floor button with your nose
- Jump rope
- Stand really to people, sniffing them occasionally
- Turn off the lights to “conserve energy”
- Leave a box in the corner and ask people if they hear something ticking
- Swat at flies that don’t exist
I got this list from Knights of the Dinner Table, issue 30
05.20.08
Making Cigarettes
Little Johnny and his girl were walking along
a trail in the woods. Suzy noticed that some of
the animals were behaving oddly. “Little Johnny,
why is that rabbit on top that other one?” she
asked.
Little Johnny stopped to consider his answer,
and replied, “They’re making cigarettes.”
“Cigarettes?” she exclaimed, as they continue
walking along. Pretty soon, they approached
a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked, “Are they
making cigarettes too?”
“Yea,” says Little Johnny.
Suzy looked around and said, “It looks like all the
animals are making cigarettes, why do not we
make cigarettes?” Little Johnny was quick to say,
“OK!”
An hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were
walking out of the woods, when she asked,
“Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?”
Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer,
and then replied, “Well if you get a hump in
your
belly it’s a Camel, and if you do not it was a
Lucky Strike.”
05.09.08
Who’s Screwing Who????
Ok, so I get e-mails all the time about people in the US bitching about gas prices and foreign oil prices. I even got an e-mail about how Dubai is building all kinds of mega billion dollar resort homes, apartment towers, amusement parks and so on with an unlimited supply of money because of them selling us oil at $117 a barrel.
Now here’s the REAL problem. Conoco, Phillips 66, Union 76, Sunoco, BP, ARCO, Pilot, Flying J, Love’s, and Valero use ZERO barrels of foreign oil from the middle east (according to the department of Energy). So why are gas prices at these stations the same as the gas prices at stations using foreign oil?
If the middle east wants to sell us oil at $117 a barrel, then why are US companies screwing us at the same prices? Our oil prices do NOT need to be “competitive” with over priced foreign oil! Do NOT blame the middle east for our high gas prices when it is OUR OWN U.S. COMPANIES doing the exact same thing to us!
If two farmers are selling apples for $1.00 a pound and one decides he is going to make a lot of money by increasing his price to $5.00 a pound, he will have no business anymore because no one will buy his apples at $4.00 more a pound than the guy across the street.
If the middle east wants to price themselves out of the market, it doesn’t mean OUR U.S. companies need to get out the K-Y Jelly and screws us just as badly! If we LOWERED OUR PRICES of gas back down to $1.50 a gallon, our American companies would still make billions a year in profits, and the foreign oil companies would be FORCED to lower their prices here in the U.S. or no one will go to their stations and buy their gas.
STAY AWAY FROM Exxon, Shell, Citgo, Chevron, Texaco, Mobil and Amoco because they buy their crude from the middle east and from South America! Buying from them is putting guns and ammo in the terrorists hands and lining the pockets of sheiks while American people take it in the butt. You do realize that EVERYTHING you eat and own is transported by Diesel trucks. Diesel costs more per gallon that supreme gas!!! This means the trucking companies are all adding “fuel surcharges” to their costs and YOU my friend, are taking it in the butt by paying higher prices for EVERYTHING you own and eat!
Ask YOUR senator and congressman WHY American gas companies are RAPING its US citizens just as badly as the middle eastern oil companies, and DEMAND a stop to it!
Out of the Mouth of Babes
Why we love children…
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ’Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ’Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?’ Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.’ My mothe r said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ’Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?’ Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.’ My mothe r said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ’Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ’Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ’I'm just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ’I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ’Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ’I'm just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ’I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
